I've always liked making goofy videos--like ever since high school--and when I got an iPhone that hobby expanded, but this year I've taken my iMovie and Splice use to another level. It's fun for me, and I think most of my family isn't too annoyed when I rope them into my projects...
It became a tradition at some point for our family to sing "Happy New Year" together at the top of our lungs at midnight on NYE. So I made this video since we didn't do it together this year. I love my family and their goofiness and patience. I miss them, and I'm grateful to see them whenever I can, even on video!
I saw the headlines about Trump's call to governors. Maybe you've seen them too. Maybe you listened to the audio or read the transcript. For the past several years, particularly since 2016, I've tried to spend time on conservative news sites to provide some sort of balance to my preferred diet of NPR, the Atlantic and the Washington Post. So I check in on Fox, the National Review, the Federalist. I've been wanting to get a subscription to the Wall Street Journal and I think I'm ready to pony up for that. Anyway, I looked for some thoughtful analysis of the call (beyond the claim that Trump can and should call in the National Guard based on historical precedent, which is almost beside the point for me) on any of these conservative sites. Haven't found it yet.
I watched this interview with the police chief of Houston (where George Floyd was from) and it really captured how I feel about that call with governors. It's 10 minutes long but worth it.
I would really truly love to hear from any Trump supporters who might be reading this, who can explain to me why Trump's attitude about law and order is the right one. I read the transcript of yesterday's call with governors and was struck by the differences between the governors' comments and the president's comments.
Governors gave details about protests and conditions in their respective states; talked about the specific ways they were trying to achieve peace already, including incorporating the National Guard in some instances as well as meeting with leaders of the black community and faith leaders; one asked for specific help like more PPE and testing given the Covid spread that is probably happening at the protests; one asked Trump to back off on the inflammatory rhetoric (you may have seen the headlines on that one, "I don't like your rhetoric either"); one asked Trump if there is any intelligence indicating who the bad actors are that are infiltrating protests from out of state.
Trump made unproven generalizations about the bad actors ("They're Antifa and they're radical left"); described the presence of military police as "a beautiful thing"; called Minneapolis "a laughingstock all over the world"; cited a vague instance in Dallas "where they kicked a guy to death. I don't know if he died or not but if he didn't, it's a miracle"; and gave this advice to the governors on how to bring peace: "you have to dominate, and you have to arrest people, and you have to try people and they have to go to jail for long periods of time."
I don't know why I'm even regurgitating all of this. I am just trying to make sense of it. The typically conservative value of states' rights has become more important to me over the years and especially in the last few months where governors have shown much more leadership than our president has. (I told you I was getting more conservative.) I came across the below speech of Eisenhower explaining why the National Guard was showing up in Arkansas to maintain order at the time of the Little Rock Nine. In his speech he carefully explains his rationale for the military to enforce the rule of law in this instance. He is not political. He makes no generalizations. He doesn't indicate whether he has personal feelings about school integration.
I'm not saying Ike for president or anything, I'm just saying: There is a precedent for the National Guard to come in to unstable situations. Eisenhower and the Little Rock Nine. George H.W. Bush and the riots in L.A. after the Rodney King verdict. Etc. etc. I wonder what would happen if our current president chilled out for two seconds, paused from talking about himself or flexing his figurative muscles, tried to explain to the people of the country why he thinks the military should step in (something beyond "if you don't dominate, you'll look like a bunch of jerks").
Isn't it great that every night we get to go to sleep and escape everything and start fresh the next day? I appreciate it more and more the older I get. Even if I don't sleep that well, at least my body gets a break from being upright.
Yesterday was fine, but it was busy. I hardly sat down. By bedtime I thought my back just might break. This morning we woke up to sunshine, a mild weather forecast, a mostly clear calendar, and rested backs. Everyone was in a good mood, and did their "morning list" without complaint. Polly sat happily in her high chair and ate some applesauce and Cheerios. I sent the kids off to school with a smile and a suggestion that they make the day as happy as the morning had been so far.
I'm not sure how their day is going, but mine is still a happy one. Yes I'm very thankful for a new day every day!
Ida turned 6 yesterday. I'm a bit behind in most things right now, including making her birthday video. But I've started it.
For now, here was her birthday interview yesterday. I started doing these when Theo turned 7 and Lars turned 3, and here's my third attempt. It's actually 2 videos in one and is very choppy and only has a few questions. I ran out of storage space during the first video and lost some good stuff. But it's cute anyway.
Sure love that darling girl. I thank God for her every day.
Ida woke up this morning with a pretty high fever. I hate when my kids get sick: not just because I worry that it will linger and/or turn into something serious (which I do), and not just because I feel bad for them for being so miserable (which I do), and not just because I feel bad about cancelling the day's plans (which I do--sometimes ;) but also because it changes the vibe in our house for the day. Ida is so helpful and pleasant, so full of fun and good ideas and good questions.
She's spent most of the day sleeping, and the boys either have been playing in their room or outside--and now are playing on the iPad--so the house is quiet. Theo is pretty helpful and pleasant himself, so I'm not without a helper. This afternoon will probably involve watching movies guilt-free. It might be a little boring (I think I've spoiled my kids and myself by planning outings for almost every day), but it hasn't been a bad day.
Still I miss her, even though she's just in the next room. I think it's going to be a big adjustment for me in 2 weeks, having my girl gone until 3 p.m. every single weekday! I guess actually that after school starts, I'll be selfishly glad on the days she's sick, since I'll get her all to myself. :) And I know she is going to love school.
Side note, I have been in a bit of an Elvis phase lately and this morning I couldn't stop singing "Oooh-hoo-hoo, I feel my temperature rising..." #feverjokes #elvisjokes #thankyouverymuch
Lars is three today!! Or as he says it, "thlee" (or as he used to say it, "thlee, thlee").
When Lars was almost out at 10:30 p.m. on June 12, 2011 my doctor told Matt, "Go ahead and grab the baby." So Matt grabbed the baby and swung him onto my chest. I have a brain-video in my mind of that moment (right after the moment where I checked for the boy-or-girl evidence) where Lars, crumpled against my chest with his face three inches from mine, looked straight at me with his left eye only, his right eye squeezed firmly shut, and screamed in my face. I adore that brain-video and have replayed it ever since I woke up this morning on his third birthday. Right now, while the rest of the family sleeps and I post this, he's happily sitting and watched "The Tangled," his favorite movie. Today...once the sun comes up since it's barely 6 a.m....we're going to shop for his presents (I'm counting on Ida to distract him while I drop things into the cart), make cake "with blueberry frosting," hang with his play school friends, and (dun dun dun) dispose of his binky (he says he's ready...we'll see).
Songs: "Joy Parade" by Lennon and Maisy and "Robin in the Rain" by Raffi
__________________________________________ User note: My first attempt making one of these slideshows with iMovie (on an iPad--my desktop is a PC) had its ups and downs. My sister has long made fun of me for using a free online service to make these birthday videos, but honestly they were a lot more idiot-proof than iMovie. In fact I still would have used the service (One True Media) if it hadn't shut down a few weeks ago. (I guess most people who like to make slideshows prefer to be fancy about it.) The same things that are great about the iMovie app (or for that matter, Windows Movie Maker) are the things that annoy me, though. You can do all kinds of fine-tuning, but you can also accidentally undo your fine-tuning with one swipe and then not find a way to undo that undoing. (There is one Undo function but it doesn't help if your clumsy fingers have undone a few things in one and a half swipes.) One thing that I could have spent more time fine-tuning was the "Ken Burns effect" (which automatically gives movement to photos in a slideshow, a la a Ken Burns documentary). I didn't want to entirely turn it off (not that I could figure out how to do that anyway) but I also didn't want to get seasick whenever I watched it. And I also didn't want to spend hours adjusting it. So I spent a little bit of time adjusting it and then just lived with the result. I also accidentally lost one of the video files during the upload process, and then when I restored it I neglected to adjust the background audio, so those 5 seconds of audio are a little jarring. Maybe someday if I recover from the effort it took to upload the iMovie to YouTube (which involved deleting a lot of iPad data and a few space-filling apps) I'll fix the audio on that part and reload it.
One of the reasons I always loved Anne Shirley is that once she had grown up and become a teacher, she still remembered what it had been like to be a child. Young Anne (like so many other of my favorite fictional children, including Ramona Quimby, Caddie Woodlawn and Huckleberry Finn) got so frustrated when adults dismissed or minimized her concerns, and she vowed never to forget that feeling and never to give children that feeling once she had grown up.
This year I want to be like that. With my kids especially, but also with my husband and with everyone I talk to. Have you seen this video, The Power of Empathy? I love it. I've probably watched it 10 times.
I hadn't really thought about this difference between empathy and sympathy: sympathy can relate to a situation; empathy relates to the feeling. I may be able to put myself in your shoes in a certain way because I've been through a similar problem, but that doesn't necessarily help you if my reaction was different from yours, and it definitely doesn't help if I think you should be feeling a different way, or if I use the words "At least..." True empathy reaches past the facts of a tough situation and into the emotions it is triggering for the person who is currently in the midst of that situation. Whether the listener has had the same experience as the sufferer may not be relevant. What is relevant is whether the listener has had the same emotions and whether he or she can remember those feelings and relate to the sufferer in that way.
Which in turn reminds me of another, sillier video that you have likely watched, It's Not About the Nail.
Anyway, that is my new year's resolution this year: to empathize more. I have a few others too but that's the main one and they all circle around it.
Hopefully you won't judge me too harshly when you need me to be empathetic and I'm failing at it. (If that happens, just remind me and I'll shape up!)
Theo turned 7 today. He granted me an exclusive birthday interview before he went to bed tonight. Clocking in at 4:39, it's a bit long. But I enjoyed it anyway. :)
I'm now 3 months into my no-yelling project and I think it's going pretty well. Unfortunately I did yell last week. Maybe I shouldn't admit this but I felt really good after yelling. But I knew it wasn't going to be a lasting kind of good feeling, and it wasn't. I apologized and everyone got a dollar and I think they all forgave me. And I reminded them that I hadn't yelled in 3 months, so maybe that helped?
Want to know the hardest part about the no-yelling project? Theo didn't get the memo. When someone yells at me every day it's hard not to break down and yell back. But I don't (usually). I think he's improved if for no other reason that I no longer yell back so it can't last as long. But then some days it seems like he hasn't, since I'm not yelling back, so although I'm actively trying to get him to chill, I'm still more of an observer and it seems like it's taking forever and I'm like "when is this child going to stop yelling already?"
I'm not going to recommend watching the movie "Looper" because it's pretty violent, but if you can get an edited version or just watch the ending, the last like 5-10 minutes of the movie were so important to me. I searched on YouTube and couldn't find the scene I'm thinking of, but basically there's this telekinetic child, Cid, about 5 years old, who has a major temper and when he gets mad, well, you don't want to be nearby because everything will explode and you'll be dead. Even his own mother, Sara, locks herself into a safe when he gets angry. In the final scene, he's out in a cornfield causing all kinds of destruction, and, as shrapnel swirls around in slow-mo, his mother puts herself directly in his vision, locks eyes with him and helps him calm down. And of course implicitly changes the course of the entire world by doing so (thanks, time travel). I read this in an online review:
"I believe it was Winnicott who wrote that a parent’s hardest and most important job was to withstand her child’s hatred, in order for the child to understand that he is loved and worthy of love regardless of how angry he might get at his parent. Sara and Cid essentially play out this process. Cid’s telekinetic anger is terrifying, and Sara hides herself from it in a metal safe: she cannot face her child’s hatred just yet, although she does comfort him after his bout of rage has subsided. But in the film’s final sequence, when Cid has lost control of himself and put both his mother and Old Joe at risk, she looks at him and whispers, 'It’s okay. It’s okay. Mommy loves you.' The rest of the sound fades out, and Cid’s rage subsides."
Matt and I worry a little about Ida because she is often either a direct or a collateral object in Theo's path of anger, and although she's very smart and compassionate and I think "gets it" in a way most 4-year-olds might not, it's just not fair to her. I often discuss with the kids that Theo is learning how to control his temper, like I had to do when I was a kid, and that Ida can help him because she loves him, even though it might not seem fair. I don't want this burden to get too heavy for her so I want to give her permission to get angry back and to defend herself, but other times hopefully she can continue to support him and show love for him, since that's the main thing we are working towards.
On a lighter note, one of my favorite movie scenes ever was this line from The Hulk in last year's Avengers movie:
Did anyone else get chills in that scene? Mark Ruffalo is so great, first of all, and secondly the line just clicked with me. I so identify with that because I'm calm, and I always want to be calm, but I'm also angry more often than I want to admit. I generally make good choices and I want to be good, but I also want to make bad choices more often than I want to admit. And sometimes I lose it and go for the bad choice.
Anyway. I have figured out that I can't just be calm 100% of the time because when provoked, sometimes I have to "let it out" somehow. I just don't want to let it out on anyone. Running daily helps in a maintenance sort of way, but I would love ideas of how to "let it out" situationally without hurting anyone. You know, when you're SO frustrated and no one's doing you any favors but you really don't want to make it worse. The Orange Rhino suggests yelling into the toilet. I think that's the grossest thing I've ever heard. Any ideas?
Worst case scenario maybe I can go dance it out! Maybe I should teach Theo to go dance it out. Minus the smoking and beer drinking.
Perhaps my favorite thing when I got a smartphone was Pandora. I don't have an iPod and although I have lots of mp3s on my computer I don't really know where they are and a lot of them are duplicates. It's never been a priority for me to organize my music and honestly, I still mostly listen to FM radio in the car. Country radio, to be specific, or talk radio. So Pandora is easy for someone like me to use with zero prep. My sister Hannah thinks I'm borderline tech-Neanderthal but I like to think of it as blissfully counterculture.
Before this sounds any more like a Pandora commercial, behold my favorite household channels--unobtrusive background music for doing dishes, playing with kids or whatever I happen to be doing at home. You could also call it EZ Listenin'. Unfortunately for you I have done zero research on what the current "In" way of sharing music on a blog is, without having to sign in (Spotify) or go to another site (Playlist, et al). I used to know how to stream directly from my own Google drive through a widget on my blog but I don't think that works anymore...and I'd also have to upload the songs first. Please enlighten me if I'm missing something! Free YouTube for all! (for now)
60s Folk Radio
Even though some of the songs are decidedly not 60s folk. For instance the song "Don't Know Much About History" seems to pop up a lot. I'll give you 60s, but how is that folk? Anyway. A sampling...
If I Had a Hammer by Peter, Paul, and Mary
Whenever I hear this song I just want to go out and picket The Man.
Dream a Little Dream of Me by Mama Cass
I adore this song. I also like the Mamas and the Papas version, which also includes Mama Cass of course. Bing Crosby and other earlier versions I'm "meh" on.
Shelter from the Storm by Bob Dylan
Possibly my favorite Bob Dylan love song.
Don't Think Twice, It's Alright by Bob Dylan
Possibly my favorite Bob Dylan breakup song.
The Chain by Fleetwood Mac
Does Fleetwood Mac count as 60s Folk? More than "Don't Know Much About History," anyway.
Operator (That's Not the Way It Feels) by Jim Croce
So sad.
I Got a Name by Jim Croce
Also sad.
Secondly, Michael Buble Radio
I must be 30. Michael Buble Radio? Yes, please!
Rolling in the Deep by Adele
The saddest.
Don't You Remember by Adele
The saddest-est.
The Heart of Life (Live) by John Mayer
I haven't given up on you, Johnny.
I'll Be Seeing You by Billie Holiday
OK, the actual saddest. Also, for some reason I don't like any versions of this song but hers.
Gravity by Sara Bareilles
Why are all the songs on this station so sad?
Someone to Watch Over Me by Ella Fitzgerald
Everyone wants someone to watch over them. Even if he's not the man-some, girls-think-of, as hand-some.
The spring and summer of 2010 (when we moved into our current house) happened with Vampire Weekend's Contra playing in the background. My kids were obsessed with it. For some reason none of us really got tired of it. Well, eventually we did but it was probably a year or more before I banished it from the car.
I turned on "Horchata" in the car the other day and the kids got super excited as we cruised down the road with the windows down and the stereo blasting. I love that they remembered how much they had loved that song. It seemed like 3 years couldn't possibly have already gone by. I think the summer of 2010 was my favorite summer ever. So far.
Last summer we stayed in Midway with Matt's family and as we drove around through those beautiful mountains we listened to We Are the Tide by Blind Pilot over and over. Any song from that album instantly brings back that fun week. Isn't it funny that I "look back" at it so fondly when it was less than a year ago?
Anything from White Ladder by David Gray brings back my freshman year at BYU. Can you believe my parents sent me so far away when I was only seventeen? Neither can I. A great year.
Ida's in a ballet class and the kids dance to "princess" type songs. Any Disney song from the '90s and I feel like I'm 9 years old sitting on my tiny bed in my tiny corner bedroom, scribbling the lyrics to "A Whole New World" on my steno pad.
They don't play this one in ballet class, but it was always my favorite! And I wrote the lyrics to that one in my steno pad, too.
I haven't been blogging much in 2013 and I think it's partly because I started a journal again this year. So freeing. Not that I can't be honest on my blog but it's different from scribbling down my thoughts in a hidden little book that's just for me. Whether it was a long time ago or a short time ago I love to think about happy moments from the past, and recording them keeps them vivid. Sad moments too, although I don't like to think about those ones I still record them.
Of course I can't write everything so while I'm experiencing things, especially with my kids, sometimes I sit and breathe it in almost like I'm recording it. Fortunately, I think I am pretty good at enjoying the moment, despite other failings. This reminds me of the last pages of Happier at Home by Gretchen Rubin, which I recently finished and enjoyed.
Elias Canetti wrote, "One lives in the naive notion that later there will be more room than in the entire past." (250)
"As I walked up the steps to my building on that spring afternoon, and looked up at the windows of my little apartment in the big city, I reminded myself, "Now is now." And I know what the child Laura [Ingalls] did not yet know. Now is now, and now is already a long time ago.
As I turned the key and pushed open the front door, as I crossed the threshold, I thought how breathtaking, how fleeting, how precious was my ordinary day. Now is now. Here is my treasure. (253)
Sometime since turning four Ida has basically turned into this commercial. She was narrating her baby doll's adventures in the other room during quiet time just now while I was writing an e-mail, and I finally gave up on the e-mail and listened, and then when it didn't end I started transcribing it. Those years as an Office Assistant come in handy sometimes.
"So, when the witch was dead, another witch came. Did you know in this story I'm making up, there were two witches? So there was a daddy witch and a mama witch and a baby witch and a kid witch. OK, so then there was just the baby's mom pretending to be a witch and the baby, and I'm pretending a baby doll is a real baby, and the real baby laughed "hahahahhaahahaaaaaHAAA." So, now they're inside, so they're not there yet, so they kept pushing the baby in the stroller. And the baby was sleeping. Beep beep! Honk! There's a car coming! Look out baby, it's coming this way! We came on the sidewalk. Today is the mom's friend's birthday, so I'm wrapping a noodle and a high chair for her birthday. Cause the mommy and her baby's friend has a baby. Just like, so, and now they have two high chairs. Cause there was a car coming by when we were crossing the street, so we went back on the sidewalk and they let the car through. And now, how could they carry a noodle and a high chair to their friend's house? Today is the baby's mom's birthday and the mom's friend's birthday! Did you know there's two birthdays? It's the mom's, it's the baby's mom's birthday and it's the baby's mom's friend's birthday TODAY! It's those two birthdays. So their friend and the mom have a birthday. And she needs a high chair. And now I need one more present. Maybe a cradle! hmmm...Hey Mom? I was not thinking of the story I was going to make up at quiet time. So I thought of this one instead."
Every year at the beginning of the Christmas season I get a little sad. But not in a bad way necessarily. It's hard to explain. I get this sort of lonely feeling, but like I'm supposed to feel that way. I think I sort of go through this Charlie Brown Christmas sort of epiphany every time. That being said, I love sad Christmas songs. I love sad songs anyway but I really love sad Christmas songs. Joni Mitchell at Christmas--hurts so good!
The studio version is here but I couldn't embed it so the above is a live version from 1970. Still amazing. Seriously Joni...
I also love the Sarah McLachlan version of the same song.
Back with more Christmas favorites tomorrow! I doubt I can make it every day but I decided I want to post some of my favorite Christmas songs this December. Maybe even some happy ones too. :)
I know I'm about...13 years late on that one but I never tried watching it until it came on Netflix. If you're unfamiliar, t's kind of like The Wonder Years but set in the early '80s, and it only lasted one season. I read somewhere that the writers knew pretty early on it would probably be canceled, so they used all their best stuff and that's why every episode is so funny and awesome. I can see that. I laughed. I cried. OK I only actually cried once (the end of the Garage Door episode), but I laughed a lot.
I don't know if it's for everybody. Maybe if you like John Hughes movies, because that's sort of what it reminds me of. The main character's parents are right out of a John Hughes movie.
Anyway. Check it out. Here's a scene that's not particularly funny, just heartwarming if you know the character. Lonely, geeky Bill was one of my favorite characters.
Sometimes I look at my to-do list, and then I run and hide. And by sometimes I mean at 8 p.m. last night, and by run and hide I mean eat chocolate peanut butter ice cream and watch 3 episodes of Gilmore Girls.
Luckily Lars woke me up at 5:45 today and my first thought after putting him back in his crib (well, the first thought after "How much more sleep can I get before the sun comes up?") was that I could get some stuff done before the sun comes up. Since apparently it is fall now and the sun doesn't come up before 7. Anyway, so it's a win-win. A very twisted win-win. Because now here I am. Getting stuff done. In the dark.
One of these days I'll make a digital copy of the very giggly performance of "Sometimes" by me and my friend Emily when we were 16. We made up our own choreography. Don't you wish you could see that one? Good times. Oh Britney.
My favorite part of this video (from Novemberish) is Ida explaining the situation to me after she's done singing. "He loves that song. And I was smiling at him..."
Whell, it's Tuesdee! And, I haven't taken the other posts down yet. I guess I have gotten more comfortable with having them there. First I thought I would delete them, then I thought I would just edit them. Now I don't really have the mental energy for either thing, but I'll figure it out soon. I wanted to say thank you, by the way. I got lots of e-mails and comments from people saying that they could relate in some way. Amazing. Thank you.
A few people asked what I ended up doing. It wasn't really anything that I "ended up" doing; I'm still in the process of figuring it out. At first, I read a lot online and in pregnancy/baby books. I talked with a few close friends. I went to my old OB, who was amazing. He sent me to a psychiatrist, who was underwhelming. I have since been on a low dose of an antidepressant, which I thought I was ready to discontinue but it turned out I was not. Still in the process of figuring that out. That is worth a post in itself because it is so fraught, and many people have Opinions about mental health medication and its associated stereotypes, including me. But I guess we all do things we said we would never do, and it has been the right choice for me for right now. I pray a lot. I play with my kids a lot. I talk to Matt a lot. I work outside my home a few hours a week. I exercise. I eat candy. I nurse Lars. I take baths, go out with friends, clean my house, don't clean my house, go get my hair cut, go to my room and lie down. It all helps. The best part of this year has been the ongoing process of figuring out what I can do on my own, what I need to rely on others for, what I need to help others with, and what I need to learn and do to be a better person. And the almost anticlimactic epiphany that I will do what I need to do for my kids and husband--to be a better person, that is. I need to be happy and whole for my own sake, but also for their sake.
I don't know what happened to my blogging well. I would love to write something every day like I used to, but I just don't. In high school and college I kept a detailed journal. Then I started blogging and was pretty good at that for a few years. Since I got a smartphone, I rarely get on the computer anymore and when I do, I am usually either working or doing something like pinning. Whenever I pin something I think of that video meme about stay at home moms, with the mom sitting excitedly at the computer saying out loud, "PIN!" as she clicks her mouse. I don't know why I find that so funny. Someone said that pinning things gives a feeling of accomplishment, almost as though once you've pinned it you've practically done it. So funny. I don't generally look at very many others' pins on my home page (sor-ry) but I do use it as a search engine and as my own little filing cabinet. Maybe someday my kitchen will actually look like the pictures on my "Kitchen" board suggest it might.
Lars is turning 1 next month. Zowie. I felt it sneaking up on me a few days ago and have now mostly finished his little birthday slideshow. I'm so excited about it. I don't do baby books or scrapbooks or even very many blog posts anymore, but I have kept up with the slideshows. Except for Theo's 5th birthday one. I'll get there though. Over and out!
