Happy fifth birthday

Today is Jonah's fifth birthday. My kids always remember this day and they like to talk about him. I guess it sticks in part because Lars and Jonah would be the same age. Lars especially seems connected to him. He asked me today if he had met Jonah. I told him, "Sort of. You were in the same room. But you were both babies." He talks about him and asks about him (year round, not just on his birthday). I'm glad. I miss him. It might seem odd to miss someone who I only spent a few days with. But I do. 

I guess the feeling is partly about how I feel for Harry and Dawn, as his parents. It's partly about missing what could have been, what place he would hold in our family and the funny stories we'd tell about him and the goofy things he would do, and the great things he would do, and who he'd grow up to be. That seems silly to dwell on though. More than missing him I'm glad to have met him. I'm glad for that small piece of my heart that cracked open and let in more love than I thought I had room for. Harry and Dawn made that possible. They helped open all our hearts by their example and by the way they welcomed him into their home which was a very sacred place for the duration of Jonah's life. I'll never forget it.

Anniversary

Jonah died 4 years ago today. I remember I had just come home to Virginia a day or two earlier. Phoebe called to tell us. We cried together over the phone. I wished I could be there for the funeral, but I was glad that we (Hannah, Phoebe, and me, the collective out-of-state siblings) had decided to come meet Jonah instead.

Lars told me a few days ago with surprising emotion that he wished Jonah could still be alive. I wish that too. I feel so much love for a little boy whom I only spent a few short days with. Everything that matters comes back to love, and Jonah was so, so loved, like a normal lifetime of love had to fit into 11 days. Harry and Dawn fit it in somehow. We all felt it.

Jonah's birthday

A year ago today, my sister-in-law Dawn (my brother Harry's wife) gave birth to their fifth child and third son, Jonah. He lived for 11 days. I was so blessed and humbled to meet him and hold him. I think about him every day. He changed our family forever.

I loved my sister Bonny's thoughts she wrote on her blog about Harry and Dawn: The Clean-up Set. Harry and Dawn are such examples to me. I think about them every day too.

Happy birthday, dear Jonah!

Post-holidays post holidays

You probably know that I have never had an actual hangover, but I think that the feeling of jet lag with 3 little kids after 2 weeks gone at Christmas time, is probably close.

Last night we arrived at BWI right in the middle of rush hour so we stopped to eat dinner to wait out the traffic. CiCi's Pizza in Catonsville was just a few miles away and we knew the kids would love it. The food was terrible, I completely abandoned my no-dairy diet for the evening, and my kids were So. Dirty. All three of them. Especially Ida. But it was fun and they did love it.

Then they all promptly fell asleep in the car on the way home.

Then Lars still woke up at 7 a.m., which really should be 4 a.m. for him since we have been in California, but he didn't get the memo. Luckily the other kids slept in.

Now the older kids are watching Winnie the Pooh while Lars naps and I blog instead of cleaning up Christmas and unpacking.

On the plane yesterday I wrote down some New Year's Resolutions. One of them is actually to blog more. I used to resolve to blog less. But now I want to blog more. Maybe once a week? We shall see.

Onward, now I'd like to share a Christmas carol which Theo is still singing today. Occasionally he stops in the middle and reminds himself out loud, "But we're not singing Christmas songs anymore because Christmas is over." It's true. Sorry, bud.

He sees you when you're sleeping

He knows you when you're awake

He knows you when you're in be-e-e-e-e-ed...

Oh, you butternut squash, butternut squash,

Butternut squash, butternut squash,

Santa Claus is coming to town.

Well, Santa Claus did come to town and he left us all sorts of goodies. For some reason he got Matt a squeegee and a set of Tupperware and that was it. Santa Claus really meant to be better to Matt this year but he was really tired. He also meant to get him an air popper (for popcorn that is) which Matt really does want.

And that concludes this post that has no theme at all (other than a general air of Lowering the Bar) and no profound closing sentence. Our travels to Utah and California were so very fun this year. I love our family. I miss Jonah. I'm so glad we went and saw everyone else. And actually we did see Jonah, kind of, because we visited his grave which has a new headstone. So almost everyone was there, even Jonah, except Eve who was at gymnastics and Sully asleep in the car.

I love our life. I am feeling good about 2012. Just need to get going on that whole putting-away-Christmas thing. Because you know--Christmas is over. Butternut squash, butternut squash, butternut squash, butternut squash.

Thankful

Wow, I haven't posted in a while.

That's mainly because I haven't really been on the computer much. But I did finally get on, so that I could watch this video of my nephew Jonah that my brother Harry made. This year, I am so thankful for Jonah.

Godspeed, little man

In case you're like me and can't get enough of Baby Jonah:

some of Barb's thoughts
Babs again...white doves
Barb's recap of Jonah's funeral
Phoebe
Hannah's thoughts
Hannah's photos

Love that sweet boy.

Beautiful boy

Baby Jonah died yesterday.

(Jonah and his parents in the hospital, just after his birth)

I spent 3 days in California with my brothers and sisters and parents and nieces and nephews. All of us there got to hold him and kiss his little face.

I was intrigued to see how much like any other newborn Jonah was. He had many of the same reflexes. Most of his disabilities were internal, so he really didn't look that different. He didn't like getting his diaper changed. He cried when he was hungry. He couldn't see or hear, but he responded to his parents' soothing touch.

When my sister Phoebe called last night to let us know that Jonah had finally died, it was strange to jump back and forth between that intensely personal and spiritual world of Harry and Dawn's home in California, and the loud and chaotic world of kids shrieking and climbing all over me on my couch in Virginia. I told Theo and Ida that Jonah had died and reminded them that God had answered our prayers--his mom and dad had gotten to hold him. His brothers and sisters had gotten to hold him. Several of his cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents had gotten to hold him. Even I had gotten to hold him! Because my kids are bent on pulling me up out of sadness, Theo reminded me, "Now Jesus and Heavenly Father get to hold him." At some point, a "believer" has to decide whether his beliefs are true. So when Theo said that to me, I had to sit and ask myself out loud. Is it true? And the immediate answer--it is. Jonah had a purpose. He came to earth to receive a body and live his life. And he did.

I love what Katie's mom Pam said: "Jonah is a special blessing to all of us. He makes us appreciate what we have and know that there is something special about each moment spent here with our families." I love my family and am touched by the examples of loving and caring motherhood and fatherhood that Harry and Dawn are to me. I know they are so sad, but they are also so strong and good. Their home has been a special place to be lately. Jonah's first several days at home were pretty good (relatively speaking) though by the end, everyone was ready for him to go, as much as anyone could be in this situation. Every night his family sang "Happy Birthday" to him and blew out candles on a birthday cake (or brownies, or donuts). Every morning before school his brothers and sisters kissed him goodbye and then hello again every afternoon. In family prayer one night his sister Eve asked "that when Jonah dies we can be sad, but not too sad." His mom and dad rarely left his side. Every minute of his life somebody was holding him, dressing him, feeding him or changing him. I can't imagine that any baby has ever been so intensely, so thoroughly loved.

Jonah

I guess it's kind of odd that I haven't written anything yet about baby Jonah, but I haven't really known what to write so I just...haven't. Not for lack of thinking or talking about him, because he has been a reality and a topic of conversation at our house for months now. Tonight after watching a video of his mom holding him, I feel compelled to share a little of his story with you.

Some of you know that my nephew Jonah was born on Saturday with full Trisomy 13. Harry and Dawn (my brother and sister-in-law), who live near my parents in California, found this out at his level II ultrasound last spring and have been preparing since then for the eventuality of his birth and death. They hoped he would make it full term and that they would have a few minutes to hold him. Now he is 3 days old, after being born 7 pounds at 40 weeks, and home from the hospital--all miracles. His condition has been up and down--he was doing really well on Saturday and Sunday, then not as well Sunday night, then a little better on Monday, then worse today. He is surrounded by his family and lavished with love on all sides.

I'm not flying out for a few more days (my 2 sisters who also live far away are flying out too) and although I have been hoping so hard to be able to meet him and hold him when I get there, I don't know that that will happen. There's pretty much no real way to know in advance when he will die although his struggles to breathe are an indicator. My kids have been telling me ever since I told them about baby Jonah that he is going to live with Jesus and Heavenly Father, but somehow that isn't something I want to think about quite yet. Little Jonah's condition, caused by an extra chromosome on the 13th pair, caused several deformities, both internal and external, which make it difficult and ultimately impossible for him to live here on the earth with us for very long. When I talked to Harry yesterday he said it's like Jonah's running a marathon. 3 days isn't very long for most people but for little Jonah it might feel like a long, tough race that he signed up for long ago and is now in the thick of.

I have been thinking constantly about Harry and Dawn, mourning with them from thousands of miles away. They are such loving parents and take such good care of their kids. I'm drawn again to 3 Nephi 17: "He took their little children, one by one, and blessed them, and prayed unto the Father for them. And when he had done this he wept again; And he spake unto the multitude, and said unto them: Behold your little ones." This has been the first experience I have had of loving someone so much whom I haven't met. I can feel his little spirit so strongly. I feel so much love for such a tiny boy who lives so far away.

Thank you for your prayers and support so far for this wonderful family. I am sure that Harry and Dawn and Jonah, and Jonah's 2 brothers and 2 sisters, could use some more....and more, and more.