So I'm not sure exactly why I'm online still.

So I had a few epiphanies today and last night about Mr. M.K. Partly because Hester called this morning and we talked for like an hour....she's so smart!! And experienced. So it's all clear to me now. Plus last night I talked it over with Hannah a little and got some perspective. So far I've gotten a LOT of perspective, I mean between Matt, me, Hannah, Hester, my parents, and even today Dawn, haha. Obviously Matt's perspective is that we should be together. And also that I don't try as hard as he does to "make it work." My perspective is that we shouldn't be together, but it's hard for me to pull away because I'm so used to having him around, and he really is a good guy. Like, the best guy. Like, I really wish I could like him more because he's so good. But I DON'T! It's like that horrible song, "He's everything you want...need...etc...he does all the right things at exactly the right times, but he means nothing to you and you don't know why." Not that he means nothing to me. Au contraire, he means a ton to me. Just not in the right way. Ah, that song reminds me of high school.

Hannah's perspective is that it's Matt's fault. And it kind of is, but I've done my share of screwing things up. I tried way back in June to break things off - remember that? haha. I was rereading my blog from June when I put a bunch of quotes from Matt's emails in and it's kind of funny. What a weird time. Anyway, so yeah, it's both our faults. He really just doesn't see it, and that's his fault. But it's my fault for trying to hang on to him even though it's not right.

Hester's perspective is that it's my fault. Haha. And she has a point, because I haven't been firm enough in my belief that this isn't right. But as she pointed out, "You shouldn't have to work so hard." SO TRUE! I wish I could just bottle Hester's wisdom up in a little bottle for me to carry around all the time, haha. Anyway, so yeah. If it really was right, then neither of us would have to work so hard to make it work. I wouldn't have to try to convince myself to like him. She suggested that maybe I'm just in love with the idea of being in love. I'm a romantic. We both know that. If I were in love with Matt, he'd be the perfect boyfriend. Seriously. He's just so good, and nice, and friendly, and caring, and smart, and etc etc etc. But for some reason that's not right for me! haha.

On Sunday Matt suggested that maybe I "don't deserve" him. And I know that sounds bad, but I think it's probably true. I certainly don't deserve everything he does for me. But as Hannah and Hester both pointed out, it wasn't like I asked for it. That sounds jerky, so there's no way I'd ever say it to him. Because of course I never ask for it. He just does it, because he wants me to be happy. By "it" I mean everything he does for me; the gifts he sends me in the mail; when he visited twice in the summer; taking me to the Weezer concert; buying me a plane ticket to go to New York; giving me compliments and keeping track of what's going on in my family and always asking about them; always thinking of what would make me happy.

Before I start making Matt sound any better and myself sound any worse, I just want to say that love hurts. Love scars...Love wounds and mars...hahaha. Look, it's a song, all right? Sorry, I'm being flippant. But seriously, the thought of telling Matt we can't see each other any more (Hester's suggestion) hurts. It makes me really sad. But it's just going to hurt more in the long run if we both get more attached. Just the fact that I'm expecting this to end is a warning sign. You know? Argh. And, just to make it clear, this is all independent of Joel. Joel has served as an excuse for me to hide behind before with Matt, but the fact is, Joel's not getting back until June. But I still feel like I need to stop seeing Matt. I just don't want this to get any more complicated.

Hester suggested I wait until January to talk to Matt about this. I mean to say, "It's over." I feel like I should do it soon, though, just to get it over with...I'm dreading it. But it's better to say it in person. Could you imagine getting an email like that? Ugh. Hester should know, her fiance broke up with her over the phone. The PHONE!

This sucks. I wish things were easier in this area. It's so weird. I can't really explain it. I felt really good about it after hanging up with Hester. But now that it's in my own words it sounds scary. I don't know. I don't know what to do.

Part of what I hate about "breaking up" is the negative impact I'm going to leave on people. Besides of course - and most importantly - Matt, there's all his family and friends that I've gotten to know in the past year. Who are so cool! His friends are awesome. His sister-in-law is awesome. I'm going to miss seeing them. And I just don't want to be engraved in their memories as "that girl who broke Matt's heart" or whatever. This is what I get for getting so close to Matt and becoming a part of his life. I'm going to miss being a part of his life.

But what else is there to do?