Ahhhh I feel like I'm swimming in the ocean and the waves keep coming. I just have a lot of stuff I want to accomplish... work, home, relationships, life... and I'm not doing great at prioritizing them. Yet the clock keeps ticking so I guess I'll just jump in wherever.
Anywho. I wanted to take a second and write about something that has been on my mind for quite some time. A while ago, a person I love--who may or may not ever read this and it's fine either way--told me in essence that I projected Mormon Fragility, or perhaps Faith Fragility is a little more catchy.
To be clear, they didn't say it in those exact words. BUT it was part of a conversation wherein, not long after I was told (not in these exact words) that my purported anti-racism could seem disingenuous because my church is racist, I brought up the topic of "white fragility" in a tangential way, and they compared their view of Mormon apologism (is that a word?) to my view of white fragility.
And I will say, that I rolled my eyes HARD, and said peace out.
And then, as the days and weeks went by, I took that, and I sat with it.
Because doi, obviously I was being fragile.
My name is Eliza and I have participated in Faith Fragility.
The comparison is not completely solid, but bear with me.
I did not fully project the confidence that I thought I felt in my apologism, because I got mad when someone questioned its motives. I did not take the time to sit with it before responding. AND, I did not consider that maybe despite my efforts, maybe I was actually missing something. Maybe there was more to learn—about my attitude, at least.
This person did not use the word "gaslighting" (any more than they used "Mormon Fragility"--again, I'm just interpreting, not quoting) but in a passing conversation about any problematic aspect of church history or contemporary stances, it is easy and INCREDIBLY TEMPTING for me to simplify the problems, because I personally believe that I have done the work of dismantling and disavowing past beliefs and past teachings that are just wrong, and I personally have found connections and insights that bring me peace. Not to mention that after years of swimming through it, it just gets OLD sometimes.
BUT, if I do that carelessly, and just try to project my own hard-won peace onto a person who feels conflict or anger about the same topic, then it essentially is gaslighting, because dismissal is the impact, no matter my intent.
Look: in defense of my eye-roll. If you know me, or if you even just read this blog, you probably know that I am in the weeds with problematic aspects of my church and have been for years. I know about them, I do not ignore them, and I have wrestled with them. I am also devoted to my personal faith, and I value my identity as an Latter-day Saint, and I have put my time and my money into the church as a vehicle for good and truth that I believe in, and I will continue to do so.
By the same token, I am also a white person who is in the weeds with my own racism as well as systemic racism. I have been in it for a long time, thanks to some really wonderful friends and family who helped me go down that path many years ago. I have studied and read and listened, and I have spoken up when it was time. Other times I have spoken when I should have listened, and I have stayed quiet when I should have spoken. I think that for most of the times in recent years when I made the wrong choice, I learned from it and tried to do better.
This is all pretty personal and may or may not make sense to anyone. I guess it's mostly for me. I just wanted to work out the feeling itself--to admit to myself that as open and as loving as I believe myself to be, I can also be pretty capital-F Fragile.
And just like all the times before, I can move forward and do better.
3 comments:
I am thinking I don't completely understand "fragility" as it is used here. But I do know, from long years of association with you, that you are pretty honest and straightforward - and not afraid to adjust and explore. Maybe that is vague too! I know what I mean though!!
Looked up the term and read some commenters - sounds like some of the ideas are controversial - which tells me that much is still fluid and changing - which is what social constricts do - hopefully a good working definition and sense of understanding will prevail - so that the most good can come out of the dialogue.
I am not sure how I feel about fragility and how it is interpreted. But I do love the idea of sitting with something. That to me is just plain humility. Which is a beautiful thing -and the only way we and the world will become better and exact change.
Post a Comment