Want to know the hardest part about the no-yelling project? Theo didn't get the memo. When someone yells at me every day it's hard not to break down and yell back. But I don't (usually). I think he's improved if for no other reason that I no longer yell back so it can't last as long. But then some days it seems like he hasn't, since I'm not yelling back, so although I'm actively trying to get him to chill, I'm still more of an observer and it seems like it's taking forever and I'm like "when is this child going to stop yelling already?"
I'm not going to recommend watching the movie "Looper" because it's pretty violent, but if you can get an edited version or just watch the ending, the last like 5-10 minutes of the movie were so important to me. I searched on YouTube and couldn't find the scene I'm thinking of, but basically there's this telekinetic child, Cid, about 5 years old, who has a major temper and when he gets mad, well, you don't want to be nearby because everything will explode and you'll be dead. Even his own mother, Sara, locks herself into a safe when he gets angry. In the final scene, he's out in a cornfield causing all kinds of destruction, and, as shrapnel swirls around in slow-mo, his mother puts herself directly in his vision, locks eyes with him and helps him calm down. And of course implicitly changes the course of the entire world by doing so (thanks, time travel). I read this in an online review:
"I believe it was Winnicott who wrote that a parent’s hardest and most important job was to withstand her child’s hatred, in order for the child to understand that he is loved and worthy of love regardless of how angry he might get at his parent. Sara and Cid essentially play out this process. Cid’s telekinetic anger is terrifying, and Sara hides herself from it in a metal safe: she cannot face her child’s hatred just yet, although she does comfort him after his bout of rage has subsided. But in the film’s final sequence, when Cid has lost control of himself and put both his mother and Old Joe at risk, she looks at him and whispers, 'It’s okay. It’s okay. Mommy loves you.' The rest of the sound fades out, and Cid’s rage subsides."
Matt and I worry a little about Ida because she is often either a direct or a collateral object in Theo's path of anger, and although she's very smart and compassionate and I think "gets it" in a way most 4-year-olds might not, it's just not fair to her. I often discuss with the kids that Theo is learning how to control his temper, like I had to do when I was a kid, and that Ida can help him because she loves him, even though it might not seem fair. I don't want this burden to get too heavy for her so I want to give her permission to get angry back and to defend herself, but other times hopefully she can continue to support him and show love for him, since that's the main thing we are working towards.
On a lighter note, one of my favorite movie scenes ever was this line from The Hulk in last year's Avengers movie:
Did anyone else get chills in that scene? Mark Ruffalo is so great, first of all, and secondly the line just clicked with me. I so identify with that because I'm calm, and I always want to be calm, but I'm also angry more often than I want to admit. I generally make good choices and I want to be good, but I also want to make bad choices more often than I want to admit. And sometimes I lose it and go for the bad choice.
Anyway. I have figured out that I can't just be calm 100% of the time because when provoked, sometimes I have to "let it out" somehow. I just don't want to let it out on anyone. Running daily helps in a maintenance sort of way, but I would love ideas of how to "let it out" situationally without hurting anyone. You know, when you're SO frustrated and no one's doing you any favors but you really don't want to make it worse. The Orange Rhino suggests yelling into the toilet. I think that's the grossest thing I've ever heard. Any ideas? Worst case scenario maybe I can go dance it out! Maybe I should teach Theo to go dance it out. Minus the smoking and beer drinking.
7 comments:
One benefit of only occasionally lapsing into a dramatic expression of anger (yelling) is that it serves both the giver and the recipient the information that you are not in normal mode, but kind of in the extreme and therefore, take note. And perhaps, watch out.
Theo or anyone else will notice that yelling is not the norm, and maybe learn to adjust his own responses to your norm, which is increasingly moving to a higher plane and away from the low road.
I agree that the good feeling after losing one's self control is a counterfeit. The real thing is an honest reconciliation.
And I also believe this is to some degree everyone's problem--not necessarily with wrath, but always with something that is trying to push our better nature from our daily selves.
I'm going to lay down my scepter, remove the miter and rest now. Pontificating makes me tired.
As usual, I can totally relate. :) When I am in a heightened stress state (like right now after moving) I get angry easier. It is so hard when little people are in your face and out of control. I DO feel better when I yell and slam doors, etc. But, the looks on my kids' faces instantly tells me that it is not OK.
I wish I had a great solution. I write almost everyday because it helps me stay sane, but honestly, that's caused a lot of issues with those around me thinking that I am way more messed up than I really am. If you find the answer, let me know!
The last five to ten mins of Looper were amazing and heart breaking. The rest eh. But I was so touched by the ending.
Theo is so lucky to have you if only for the mere fact that you care so much.
And every picture of him just melts me.
I am trying not to yell also. There seems to be lots of raised voices at my house, arguing, tattling, etc. I have found myself responding in a loud annoyed voice, that escalates to yelling if they do not respond. My goal is to stop yelling, but also to eliminate the annoyed tone. It is hard. But I can only change myself, and like you said, I hope if I am yelling/annoyed less often, they might pick up on that. Hopefully!?
It sounds like you are doing really well.
Dad's funny isn't he?? You are doing such an admirable job of working on perfecting yourself! I am inspired and impressed. I could do with a yelling freeze myself!! I was reading a book for teachers by Fred Jones - Sarah F. had it at Mom's house - and he has some very interesting insights on yelling and the speed at which you talk. I think I will get the book - hope it is on Kindle!! Meanwhile hug those little munchkins for me!!
I think loud music and dancing is the answer to everything:)
I've always thought I'd get a hanging punching bag that I (or anyone else) could punch or kick to release that frustration and anger. I think we'll be getting one in our new house.
Sometimes, I just lock myself in my room and take my own timeout. I admire you in your determination to be a good example for theo. I know how hard it can be since I have two kids like that. But it will be worth it.
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