My favorite part of this video (from Novemberish) is Ida explaining the situation to me after she's done singing. "He loves that song. And I was smiling at him..."
Whell, it's Tuesdee! And, I haven't taken the other posts down yet. I guess I have gotten more comfortable with having them there. First I thought I would delete them, then I thought I would just edit them. Now I don't really have the mental energy for either thing, but I'll figure it out soon. I wanted to say thank you, by the way. I got lots of e-mails and comments from people saying that they could relate in some way. Amazing. Thank you.
A few people asked what I ended up doing. It wasn't really anything that I "ended up" doing; I'm still in the process of figuring it out. At first, I read a lot online and in pregnancy/baby books. I talked with a few close friends. I went to my old OB, who was amazing. He sent me to a psychiatrist, who was underwhelming. I have since been on a low dose of an antidepressant, which I thought I was ready to discontinue but it turned out I was not. Still in the process of figuring that out. That is worth a post in itself because it is so fraught, and many people have Opinions about mental health medication and its associated stereotypes, including me. But I guess we all do things we said we would never do, and it has been the right choice for me for right now. I pray a lot. I play with my kids a lot. I talk to Matt a lot. I work outside my home a few hours a week. I exercise. I eat candy. I nurse Lars. I take baths, go out with friends, clean my house, don't clean my house, go get my hair cut, go to my room and lie down. It all helps. The best part of this year has been the ongoing process of figuring out what I can do on my own, what I need to rely on others for, what I need to help others with, and what I need to learn and do to be a better person. And the almost anticlimactic epiphany that I will do what I need to do for my kids and husband--to be a better person, that is. I need to be happy and whole for my own sake, but also for their sake.
I don't know what happened to my blogging well. I would love to write something every day like I used to, but I just don't. In high school and college I kept a detailed journal. Then I started blogging and was pretty good at that for a few years. Since I got a smartphone, I rarely get on the computer anymore and when I do, I am usually either working or doing something like pinning. Whenever I pin something I think of that video meme about stay at home moms, with the mom sitting excitedly at the computer saying out loud, "PIN!" as she clicks her mouse. I don't know why I find that so funny. Someone said that pinning things gives a feeling of accomplishment, almost as though once you've pinned it you've practically done it. So funny. I don't generally look at very many others' pins on my home page (sor-ry) but I do use it as a search engine and as my own little filing cabinet. Maybe someday my kitchen will actually look like the pictures on my "Kitchen" board suggest it might.
Lars is turning 1 next month. Zowie. I felt it sneaking up on me a few days ago and have now mostly finished his little birthday slideshow. I'm so excited about it. I don't do baby books or scrapbooks or even very many blog posts anymore, but I have kept up with the slideshows. Except for Theo's 5th birthday one. I'll get there though. Over and out!
5 comments:
I love coming home and hearing about your day!!
I was reading this article in the NYT about anti-depressants and I caught myself feeling so skeptical about them until...I reminded myself that I take them and they have completely changed my life! I can't believe I went 28. something years without them. What a shame. And I have a big problem with saying, "Utah has the highest rate of anti-depressants and Utah is full of Mormons therefore Mormons are depressed." First, you're insinuating that we can control our brain chemicals. Oh that I could. I would have by now. And you're saying that depression is a choice of unhappy people choosing to be unhappy. If they went to a different church, or believed something happier, then, they'd be happy! It's that easy!
It's just interesting that people keep using that argument as if it's an argument instead of a statistic of people using a (usually legitimate) drug. I like how my therapist puts it that if someone is perpetually a quart of blood short and it's affecting their energy, why would you hesitate to give them a quart of blood every day? How are brain chemicals so different? Anyway, I would love to be off them, but I can feel the difference even if I have forgotten them for a day. Like today. I "feel" way too much. And it's my brain chemicals and not me. This is my public email to you Eliza. There you have it! I understand everything you wrote!
Last thing, I said all the things I do to keep myself upbeat (which you have to do even with anti-dep. "happy pill" is a total misnomer)and I realized how incredibly healthy I am in the things that I do. Besides milkshakes. THat made me happy to know that.
i feel like my blogging well has dried up too. it is the saddest thing. luckily you are a good essayist so you've got that going for you. in other news, i was considering posting a picture of justin timberlake on my blog tonight. lots of substance over here.
Mom: I love telling you about my day. :)
Hanner - depending on what JT era you mean, it could be plenty substantial. Top-Ramen-hair days? Or Academy-Award-film-winning days?
Susie: thank you. You are so right about the "happy pill." At least the particular one I take (sertraline) definitely doesn't make me feel happy, it just helps me function. Happiness comes from the other stuff. Also, re: Mormon moms taking antidepressants. I also have issues with that whole thing but it is actually the opposite. Like, Mormon moms are fulfilling their life duties and if they aren't happy, it's their own fault. That's a stereotype but it's also what I used to believe--or even still believe to some extent. At least when it comes to the things I/we have power over. So fascinating.
A friend (who also reads this blog) once wondered if Mormons have higher antidepressant rates because they generally don't self-medicate (i.e., alcohol). I think there's totally something to that because I have several (non LDS) mom friends who unwind with a glass of wine at the end of a hard day.
My theory is that it ("it" being high AD rates in Utah) is a combination of that (no self-medicating) plus having a lot of kids (hormone problems) plus maybe a dash of being-too-hard-on-self-itis, but I think that last one is actually the least common thing.
Also - I think a lot of people who don't know much about the most common antidepressants, confuse them with ADD medications. As far as the "happy pill" thing and having energy, etc. I definitely don't pop a pill and then rush around cleaning my house or baking cupcakes or whatever. Probably some moms do though!!
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