Bah. What a long day!! Well, what a long week, really. What a long STORY I have to tell! Can I just say that I have set a personal record of...drum roll... 4 DTRs within 24 hours? With 3 different guys. Yes, that's right. We've got Adam, we've got Matt, we've got Ryan, and then once again Matt. And DTRs SUCK and I'm SO BAD at them!! Bah. The Adam one didn't really count, actually, because I haven't made it totally clear that I'm not super interested. He's too nice! Haha. But I'm sure we'll talk again. The Ryan one was actually not that bad - he said he wanted to be more than friends and get more serious, I said I didn't, and that was that. Clean-cut.

The Matt ones were the worst, because he is IMPOSSIBLE to figure out. He's driving me nuts. And somehow he brings out in me my talent for idiocy. He told me last night that the reason he was acting so weird the night before was - he figured it out - he "just wanted" me to say "Don't call me anymore." I was like, "OK, you could have made that a little clearer from the beginning" because seriously, he has asked me out like 6 times in the past month; 5 of them have been in the past 2 weeks! He took me out 3 times in one week. Now keep in mind, I haven't been calling HIM. I haven't instigated ANYTHING! Yet somehow in the last 2 talks I've had with him, that's how I've gone away feeling. It's gay, I say. Hahahhaha. Really though. What's up with guys????

So anyway, I won't be dating anymore. It's official. I am going out with Matt on Friday - and I'm not totally sure why - so that will be interesting. But - and this was the one nice thing he said - his explanation is, he doesn't want to get into a "relationship" a month before I leave and then have it get really good at the end and then just get hurt. That makes sense. But he should have decided that a long time ago, don't you think? Before taking me out so much and basically telling me he likes me - he just said 2 days ago that he wants to get to know me better. What gives? Boo to guys. He just seems so inaccessible and aloof, I think that's what attracts me. Bosh. Also....he's very logical. He doesn't really seem to have any emotions, hahaa. He's the most sensible guy I've ever met.

Also....I don't want to get TOO into the idiotic things I've said to him, but one, just for example: He said he wasn't sure what the deal was with me and other guys, he thinks I'm dating like 20 guys, which I'm not, I have been dating like 3 though, and he's my favorite. And I made the mistake of telling him that. I said it, "You're my favorite." Haha. Fortunately I realized as I was saying it how horrible it sounded, and apologized. He just laughed and he told me later that the only reason he wasn't mad was that he could tell I meant it as a compliment. And I did! But it came out wrong. He made references to me "picking him out of the lineup" and also to my "kingdom." Haha. I realize it was retarded and I never should have said it, because I don't have a "lineup" or a "kingdom." But he seems to think that because I'm busy, it means I'm busy with other guys all the time. Gay. Gay gay gay! I'M gay, and Matt's gay, and school is gay. Haha. Mostly I'm gay. Not like lesbian gay. I could never be a lesbian; girls are even worse than guys. Besides the fact that the idea disgusts me and it's against the commandments, haha. But seriously, guys are bad enough. I feel sorry for any guy who goes out with me. I'm a mess.

On a better note, I think I figured out part of the reason that I'm such a mess. I mean, besides my personality and my overall bad luck. The problem is that I obsess about this stuff too much. And the reason I obsess is, I haven't been focusing on the important stuff enough. I had an epiphany last night when Hester and I went visiting teaching. The lesson was about scripture study - and basically, I haven't studied the scriptures, like decently, like enough to count, for at least 2 or 3 weeks. And Hester pointed out that although you may not notice the difference when you stop studying the scriptures, you'll definitely notice the difference when you start again. And you'll wonder why you stopped, because the joy and fulfillment that comes from keeping simple commandments like prayer and scripture study is better than anything the world, a.k.a. obsessing about guys and school (in my case) has to offer. Dig? So I decided I have to start again from the beginning. I'm so glad now that I'm going home next month. Hopefully, with fewer stupid distractions, I'll be able to focus on the important stuff. Of course I'm going to try to start now. But basically...I'm just so glad I have the Church in my life to get me straightened out when I start fretting about dumb things. I'm so thankful for visiting teaching. It keeps things in perspective for me.

P.S. It's gorgeous outside. Like, really gorgeous. It's probably 65 or 70 degrees, and the mountains and the sky are amazing. I love Utah!