Martha, Martha, Martha

Yesterday at church we had the rehearsal for our Primary program and I was so out of sorts! Just mentally frazzled. (I think I had a stoic demeanor, but... inside my head: Crazy town.) After so many years of just being in charge of the kids, I was not prepared for how out-of-control I would feel as the person who was in charge of the kids AND the logistics. In theory, I really don’t mind chaos, and I like to let kids be kids. In practice, there are also tons of adults around who I imagine (may or may not be true) are judging me for not having these kids under control. So much of this whole experience (of being Primary president) has been about humbling myself. More accurately, it’s been about BEING humbled--it definitely hasn’t been anything I’ve actively done! Ha!

There’s just so much that goes on in this little community of 90+ kids and 30+ adults at any given moment, especially on Sundays… but then there will be long stretches where I feel like I’m hardly doing anything and I think, I love this calling! I love being in charge and choosing what to care about and what to let go. I’ve realized that I need to embrace those times when it feels like nothing’s happening (or at least, nothing that needs my attention) and just lie on the couch with my eyes closed. Because then before I know it, everything will be happening at once.

Matt pointed out to me a few weeks ago that he thinks I have a certain amount of kid-patience per day, and on Sundays I max it out long before we get home from church. I think he’s right about that, but it's not just what he terms “kid-patience,” it’s more like patience for anyone, or willpower, or grace, or energy. Or even physical strength. Or all of the above. I come home from church on Sundays and just want to hide in a corner, but I still have 4 kids and a husband and a household.

Anyway, I realized yesterday in one of those light-bulb moments that I am being a total Martha these days. Martha was “cumbered about much serving” and after she got upset that Mary wasn’t helping her, Jesus said, “Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things.”

But everyone has Martha moments (or seasons) and that’s normal. From Bonnie D. Parkin’s talk in Oct 2003, “Like Mary, I hunger to feast at the Savior’s feet, while, like Martha, I need to somehow find the laundry-room floor, empty my in-box, and serve my husband something other than cold pizza. I have 15 grandchildren whose tender little spirits and daily challenges I want to better understand, yet I also have a slightly demanding church calling! I don’t have lots of time. Like all of you, I have to choose. We all are trying to choose the good part which cannot be taken from us, to balance the spiritual and the temporal in our lives….

“...As seemed the case with Martha, one of the first things to go when I become cumbered about and troubled is my charitable attitude.”

I think I am pretty good about having charity… most of the time. Then there are times when I am REALLY BAD AT IT. I’ve been back in therapy (HAVE I MENTIONED IT TO YOU YET! Haha) and realizing how badly I want to be “perfect” and never say or do the wrong thing, with my kids or with anyone. I’m so hard on myself when I am... human. Saying or doing the wrong thing, at times hurting others in the process, and the ensuing repentance and forgiveness, can be so painful. I know intellectually that I need to make mistakes in order to learn and I will continue to do so for my whole life. But I keep forgetting that.

I read something in Real Simple magazine a few years ago about guilt. I can’t remember it exactly or find the quote, but the gist of it was that if you’re “guilty” (get it) of feeling guilty about too much stuff, ask yourself: did this hurt anyone? If it didn’t: there’s no need for guilt. Don’t manufacture it.

You’ve heard of the phrase “Catholic guilt,” and I think I have “Mormon guilt.” (Maybe there’s “Jewish guilt” too? “Muslim guilt”? Anyone know?) Guilt is helpful when it moves me to change something. But if it just causes me to obsess or wallow… Not so helpful.

So basically, it turns out that I’m in a Martha phase of life. It wasn’t always like this and it won’t always be. But it’s OK to be Martha right now. And when the primary program and trunk or treat are over, I think Martha is going to go take a really long nap.