Thanks for life.

Anyone related to me who reads this likely already knows that my cousin Robynn was killed in a car accident yesterday in Utah. She was 23 years old, married just over a year ago, and left behind her young husband and their 5-month-old baby. Not to mention two grieving parents, one sister, and six brothers.

(Robynn with my grandma)

The last time I saw Robynn in person was probably when I was a newlywed myself and she was still a kid. When I was in college and later when Matt and I lived in Salt Lake, I saw quite a bit of my extended family who lives in the area (there are a lot of them), for events like baby blessings and birthday parties and bridal showers. It's been 8 years since we moved away and I haven't seen most of them since, but am connected to a lot of them through Facebook.

I wrote this in an email to my family this morning--

"It struck me when I was looking at Robynn's FB page after Mom shared the news of her accident, that her own posts (before the condolence posts, the ones she wrote in the weeks before her death) were all very positive and sweet. All about her family members, her little boy and husband and siblings and parents, and how much she loved them. Makes me think she was probably a lot like that in her day-to-day life as well."

I looked even further back at her photos and posts from the last year and they were literally all like that. All happiness and gratitude and good humor. Definitely makes me want to be more like that. What would I want my last words to be if I didn't know they would be my last words? Hopefully something loving and kind and grateful.

Sometimes, when I struggle with anxiety as I do at times, I feel overwhelmed at all the many possibilities for loss in my life, and the main thing that keeps me sane is trying to live without regret. That's the only way I can think of to prepare for sudden loss--will I regret the way I treated someone I love, or what I said to them? Or will I feel like I did what I could to be good to them, love them, forgive them and fully embrace who they are and how they make my life better? 

That's really all I can do. I can try to be careful about my own safety and my kids' safety, but really I can't prevent accidents or diseases or the hurt that someone else inflicts. I can keep from inflicting hurt myself, or apologize when I do. I can cherish and be grateful for the abundance of good people in my life, and try to be good to them. After that I just have to let the uncertain future go and be happy that this, right now, is my life.

Right now I do mourn for my family members who were close to Robynn, particularly her parents, my uncle Richard and aunt Julie, because they have already been through so much heartache in their lives and now have lost their precious girl. Hugged my own precious girl pretty tightly today.