Kids these days.

I was officially released last week as the Primary music leader. Well, I guess not *officially*, since tomorrow is the Primary program, but mostly officially. After the program is over at noon, I'll really be done.

My kind bishop called me in about a month ago to tell me I'd be released after the program. I am so grateful he did that. It gave me time to get used to it, wrap up loose ends and finish up the way I wanted to. We had talked about it a few times over the years and he knew how much I loved being in the Primary. 

I will never forget the 5 years I've spent in this calling. I didn't know when I started how much I would really learn. And it wasn't from things I did or training meetings I went to--it was from the kids. 

I actually learned a lot about being a mom from doing this for 5 years. My own kids were babies when I started--Theo was 2, and Ida was 8 months. I didn't know how in the heck to connect with the 3-to-11-year-olds I was now in charge of teaching each week. I watched the kids and how sweet they were and how obedient (or not) they were and how funny they were, and I observed their interactions with their parents and teachers and took lots of mental notes.

(And honestly I am now feeling the same trepidation because my new calling is Beehive adviser, which is teaching the 12-13-year-old girls, and I'm like--"Can someone please teach me about 12-13-year-old girls?? It's been a while since I was one!" I'm hoping for the same inspiration that came 5 years ago with Primary. :)

I learned about not giving in to stage fright and just going with it and having fun and pretending no other adults were there so I could make a fool of myself all I wanted.

I learned how to sing in front of 50 people. Alone. Repeatedly. Weekly. For 5 years. I can mostly sing on key but I'm not what you would call a "singer" at all. But I actually think I became a slightly better one after doing it all those times.

I learned how to move on when I messed up in front of a group (words or notes or people's names or answers to questions, or sometimes a plan just goes awry), just owning it and maybe suggesting to them how I would do better the next time, and demonstrating that everyone makes mistakes, all the time.

I learned about how to really connect with a kid by getting on his or her level, smiling and making eye contact over and over again and listening and genuinely wondering to myself how that kid's mind worked and asking follow-up questions and getting to know them.

I learned that I like teaching. A lot. Especially kids. I'm not sure how to translate that into other life pursuits other than being a mom, but maybe someday I will.

I learned a few things I thought I already understood but didn't: that I love children. And more importantly that the Savior loves them--no matter what they do. And I learned how innocent they are, and that they don't and can't "sin." They learn and forget and try again.

A year ago I gave a talk in sacrament meeting about teaching children and becoming like children. An excerpt which illustrates some of what I'm trying to share here--"allow myself to [quote] ... myself":

"If we want to teach a child--and this goes for everyone, regardless of whether you work in Primary or not, or have kids at home or not--we need to understand where the kids are, and meet them there. Three-year-olds have trouble sitting still. Five-year-olds push sometimes. Ten-year-olds cry sometimes. This is actually normal behavior for children. But a child's behavior, good or bad, is not actually who they are. It's a paradox actually, because on the one hand there's a common way of looking at kids like they're not technically citizens of society yet, which is wrong. They are citizens of society, with rights, and I believe they deserve the same respect that adults deserve. But on the other hand, they still have so much to learn. It's wrong to expect a child to act like an adult. 

"I think the answer to that paradox is that we can find out who they really are, and help them adjust their behavior, little by little, to reflect that inner beauty that is there in every single child in the world, regardless of whether they know anything about the gospel or not. The Savior's love for children is absolutely unconditional on their membership or activity in the Church--whether or not they attend Primary or even know He exists, He loves them. And it's our responsibility to love them too, to learn who they are, to start at the very least by learning their names. I know I'm guilty of shyness. I think it's a wonderful challenge to learn the names of a few children in the ward who don't belong to you. Try it out, and be sure to say hi to those children whenever you see them. Maybe they'll think you're just another weird grownup, which you are. But we can all be kind and friendly and help each other feel at home here, for all of us, kids and adults.

"Back to Jesus among the Nephites in the Book of Mormon. I love that He made such an effort to bring the children forward to the very front and make sure they did not miss the experience. I love that He spoke to every single one of them and looked into their faces. I believe that by implication, we are expected to do the same."

After our program rehearsal yesterday in the chapel, my dear friends in the Primary presidency gave me flowers and a gift and a gigantic card, and invited the kids (we have about 100 in our jr. and sr. Primary combined) to go give me a goodbye hug before they went home. I feel and have felt pretty loved in my life. But I'm not sure anything can quite compare to this sweet experience, as I was almost crushed by the force of the love from the kids in our ward. All 100 certainly weren't there, but there were several dozen. I don't think I've hugged that many people at a time since my wedding reception. My friend thoughtfully snuck a few pictures and sent them to me.*

I love kids. I just love them. I mean--they're so annoying, right? Sometimes. And sometimes they drive me crazy. But they're worth every second of craziness. The pure love and joy they have to offer makes it just so worth it to love them in return. Serving in Primary for the first time (hopefully the first time of many times still to come), particularly in our big and transient ward population, where hundreds of kids have moved in and out of Primary in the past 5 years, was a watershed experience for me. I promise I'm not exaggerating when I say I'll never be the same, and I mean that in the best way possible.

*I blurred the photos a little, since they're not my kids. :)