Image from Hannah...natuerlich.
Side note, the title of this post is from Scripture Scouts. It is Scripture Scouts City in these parts. Thanks to Phoebe! My kids LOVE those CDs. And I love that they love them.
I often just skim her posts but once in a while something really resonates with me on C Jane's blog. Today I read the post Little Barometers and her conclusions just about summed up my life.
Except that I can't say that I have particularly been improving in my one-on-one time with the kids. My mom observed once that I am someone who needs alone time just about every day. By "alone time" I mean completely alone. I like to be with people too, but I also like to be completely alone for a few minutes each day, which I generally get for about an hour in the afternoon during "quiet time." It refreshes me and I crave it. Sometimes I don't get it and I am really fine with that since it is usually because we are doing something fun. But I feel more drained at the end of those days.
Not surprisingly, I used to get a lot more alone time when I just had 2 kids, 1 kid, no kids. To illustrate how it is these days: On Saturday we went to the Postal Museum with family and it was so fun. But when I went to the bathroom just before we left to go to dinner, I noticed that no one was in there but me in that huge, clean, quiet bathroom. I was totally alone and it was soundproof. It was SILENT in there. I stood in there leaning against the wall and staring for a good 5 minutes. It was amazing.
Anyway I have mostly been dealing with this issue with Theo--that is, realizing that he needs specific attention from me each day (with the same urgency, I suppose, that I need alone time). I realized also that little Lars needs the same thing and manifests that need in his own way. If I talk to him and hold him a lot throughout the afternoon and evening, and keep him awake a little later with the grownups, he seems to sleep better at night. I don't seem to have this issue with Ida; maybe she is easier to get along with, or needs less, or something? Maybe she is asking for more attention too and I am not noticing it. Maybe because she has been so laid-back I am favoring her over Theo without realizing it.
Of my 3 kids Lars is definitely getting the most attention and time from me right now out of sheer need (his...and maybe mine too. What a musher), and Theo LOVES to be with Lars. He snuggles him half to death. He always wants to be near him and by an algebraic property I forget the name of, he also wants to be near me. Or is it the other way around?
I love all of my babies and don't prefer any over the others. I enjoy spending individual time with each one on the rare occasions that I make that happen. I don't need the same amount of alone time that I used to, and I don't expect to get it or even particularly want it. But I want to maintain some alone time while also carving out Theo time, Ida time, and Lars time. And don't think I've forgotten Matt time. I want to give them all what they need--I need it too--without alienating the others and without draining myself of all enthusiasm and life. Tell me... how to do it??
Growing up in a big family didn't exactly leave space for a lot of alone time. But then, after college, I lived alone for 5 years. It was a completely different experience- a quiet experience. After I got married it was really hard to adjust to having someone else there when I got home from work. Now, with Moses, the days when he skips his naps or refuses to go to bed on time at night really due me in. Partly because dealing with cranky Moses is never fun but mainly because my alone time is the thing that gets cut out. I miss it.
ReplyDeleteI think a little alone time is a great thing.
ReplyDeleteI don't know how you do all that you do. I am tired just thinking about it. Your kids are great and you are doing a great job. They really are so sweet. Well I haven't met Mr Lars yet but I have a good feeling.
Have you read any of Marti Laney's books about introversion? I find them very validating and helpful.
ReplyDeleteI don't have any answers for you but I will say that one of the things I've had to get used to with older (school age and teen) kids is that it's like always having people around. They read over your shoulder, hear you on the phone, look at you when you nap, see what blogs you read, notice if you don't shower. It's draining but less physically taxing than a newborn/toddler. I'm still working out my coping strategies. They also go to school, which is great.
I have always needed alone time - and usually figure out a way to get it. I suspect I have taken it selfishly sometimes, but I wasn't feeling malicious about it!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Kacy too - big kids have their own set of problems - but they sure are great to talk to and they make life more interesting.
You would think that an "empty nest" would make it easier to get alone time, but I have to be just as diligent as I've always been!!
These comments are not making me feel better! I was hoping some one would have the answer to this. So far the only solution that I have cone up with is to get a babysitter regularly. But I can't afford/justify having one every day so I have to get used to only being alone once a week:)
ReplyDeleteI totally get you. I am the oldest of 5 and it seemed like I craved spending time just by myself without all the noise. I am noticing this with Will (my oldest) too. He just wants to be alone sometimes without his brothers all over him.
ReplyDeleteAs for myself and alone time now, I really need it and only find it a few moments at a time. To tell you the truth I get my best alone time when I vacuum! The kids don't like the sound so they run away, and it's loud enough that I can't hear anything else but my thoughts. Some people think best in the shower, for me it's vacuuming.
Anyway, my thoughts are give them as much of your time as possible while they are young, because they grow out of "mom time" too fast, and don't want to sit down and cuddle.
By the way, Sunday's meeting was delightful. Matt did a wonderful job, you looked fabulous, and I didn't hear a peep from any of your kids. Let us know when you want to get together so we can chat above a church whisper!
I was hoping for an answer to this problem too. But, I worry a lot about just never spending good quality time with my kids one on one. They entertain each other so much, that I think it is so easy to forget that they need ME. Thanks for reminding me of this. Avery starts school in a week and a half, and I'm so scared for little Kyle and I think it's because he has relied on her so much to entertain and be her BFF. Now I have to step up.
ReplyDeleteI think my mother - who has twelve children - summed up one of the answers to the question of how to get alone time when she told me, "Never do anything when your children are asleep that you can do when they are awake."
ReplyDeleteIt helped me!
I have to have alone time too. I used to go to walmart at night just to be by myself and walk around without someone needing something from me. Now I stay up way, way too late. Which isn't helping anyone really. And though my three oldest are teenagers, they still need just as much of my individual attention as my six year old. Since we have had so much stressful stuff/moving stuff to do and I haven't paid as much attention to them as they need, their reaction has been hard to deal with. I would take cranky babies over cranky teenagers any day. But, I read CJane's post too and know I need to be better at being in the moment with my children instead of just being in the same room. Thanks for the reminder eliza.
ReplyDeleteInteresting how most of the comments are about alone time. I guess that's kind of what my post turned into but I really was thinking about one-on-one time with kids and how I don't know how to keep my alone time (which I always make time for) from encroaching on that one-on-one time. It is easier for me to find alone time than to find alone time AND one-on-one time.
ReplyDeleteAs far as alone time, another source from a recent C Jane post is a Huffington Post article by Emma Lou Thayne, "Learning to Go Away." Loved it. Identified with everything about it.
And Kacy, I loved "The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child" by Marti Olsen which you recommended on your blog. I checked it out from the library and kept it until it was way past due and couldn't be renewed--I am going to buy it!
The biggest thing out of "Hidden Gifts" that was helpful to me--aside from identifying so many behaviors and tendencies in myself, Theo, and many other loved ones--was the suggestion to spend a few minutes each night before bed with each of my kids. I have done this for a few months now. Not every night and I notice the difference on the nights I do and don't.
ReplyDeleteAnother friend told me she has 15 minutes of one-on-one time with each child--used to be per day, but now that she has 5 kids it's per week. :) The same friend said "You can only focus on one child at a time." Sounds obvious but it's not. Out of convenience and habit, I often treat Theo and Ida as though they together are one person. And of course they are not.
Many years ago I read an essay by Emma Lou Thayne where she talked about the genesis of her "extra day" and I always thought I'd try it - I never did though! The whole concept intrigues me still.
ReplyDeleteJust wrote a long comment that was not published . . . cookies disabled . . .
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I discovered this same problem last year, particularly with Andrew. I started spending 15-20 min with him after putting him in bed just talking about his day. When Will was still napping, I would use that time to try to really focus on Andrew. That meant that I didn't get a break or my alone time, and that was hard, too, so I guess each person has to balance how much they can give up without it negatively affecting them. Maybe you could shorten Theo's quiet time by 15 or 20 min and replacing it with Mom Time. Another thing I have gone to off and on is this thing I read about called "attending." You basically just sit on the floor (or whatever)and focus only on your kid, narrating their activities. ("Andrew, I see you are building a plane. Now you are putting people on it.") My kids love it when I do that, and it was helpful when Porter was smaller and kept me from getting hands-on iwth the bigger boys. As far as alone time, all I can think of are: 1) long showers; 2) gym membership with child care; or 3) stay up later. I do #3. Probably burning the candle at both ends sometimes so my system is not foolproof!
One thing I do know,t hough, is that you are a wonderful mom and your kids are so so lucky.