Bomb squad

Disclaimer: I’m not complaining, I’m explaining.

(And disclaiming.)

My brain and heart and life are full at this moment, and I feel weary. I know from past experience that as I progress through my life, there are times when the load seems heavier than usual and that is often a transitional experience, preparation, strengthening my back for the further load to come. (See also: pregnancy, prep for parenting a newborn. Newborn, prep for parenting a toddler. High school, prep for college. College, prep for keeping a spreadsheet of 57 jobs you’ve applied for, whether you got the interview, etc.) 

I know I need that strength. Because no one’s getting any younger, not me and not my kids. But, it’s still hard especially since I get anxious, telling myself “YOU THINK IT’S HARD NOW WAIT UNTIL THEY'RE TEENAGERS.”

Anyway, Theo got promoted to middle school today. The parents were all seated before the sixth-graders walked in. The kids (all 170 of them) started walking in and I clutched Matt’s arm: “I think I might start crying.” His response: “Well, it’s a good place for it.” After the kids were seated, the principal invited up to the front a loooong row of teachers and staff who, she announced, were all the teachers and aides that the 6th graders had had since kindergarten. I could not stop thinking about the dozens of people at that school who have helped him and me. And, I lost it.

I MEAN 😍

I mean I wasn’t a mess or anything, and it passed quickly. But I know if I had given into the impulse, I could have just sobbed and sobbed.

It’s been an untimely convergence because it’s already the end of the school year, right? And i realized as things heated up last week that PMS was setting in. I almost feel like a different person during PMS, it is really surreal. I get intense and aggressive about anything that catches my attention. It’s this latent force that rears its head at WHATEVER inconvenient time it wants to. It has gotten WORSE WITH AGE! 

I wish I could bottle this feeling for when I actually need it. Also, anxiety comes along with it, so I’m aggressive in my interactions with people (whether colleagues or strangers), and then later I mentally replay it and I am like “WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!”

So, soccer is ending, swim is starting (they always overlap, and every year I’m like “why do I do this”). Lars is turning 8 today and he is such the classic obedient middle child who gets ignored and I feel extra guilt around his birthday like I need to make it extra special, Theo is moving up to middle school, Polly requires constant attention (I’m working on getting her to be happy being ignored but she’s just not. Haha), I can tell that Ida REALLY needs more attention but I have been failing at that too, Lars and Ida have their things at school that I want to attend, there were band concerts, there’s Scouts, activity days, my job, my house, my husband, my community and church volunteer stuff. 

THEN, in the midst of all this, this community/school/political issue came up that I unexpectedly found myself super involved and invested in for a very intense 5 days.

And I STILL haven’t started my period!

So. I feel wound up so tight, there’s no possible way to release the pressure without an explosion. Or, a very very careful and steady-handed bomb squad.

Luckily Matt is a good listener AND, I want to congratulate myself that I have not been aggressive with either him or the kids during this luteal phase. 

I don’t know if PMS is actually during the luteal phase of the menstrual cycle, but it sounded good there.

Phew, see you on the other SIDDDDDE!