Yesterday as we prepared to leave the store, I told Theo I was going to take him out of the shopping cart, so he stood up. Then I got distracted by Ida and told him to sit back down. He took that as a suggestion to stand on his tiptoes and grab a glass jar from a high shelf. He was in the large part of the cart, the part where the little pictures on the plastic seat of the cart show you that you're not supposed to be sitting in the first place, let alone standing.
Very bad parenting moment. Terrible actually. If I saw someone's kid doing that, I would probably walk by and think to myself, "Tsk. That kid is on the verge of falling backward out of the cart."
A severe woman, dark hair in a bun, eyebrows drawn on fiercely with a blunt, black pencil, approached me in the narrow aisle. "What do you think happens when he falls backward out of the shopping cart?" she asked loudly.
"I'm sorry, what was that?"
"I said, what happens when he falls backward out of the cart and lands on his head?"
I stared at her awkwardly and felt extra blood rush out of nowhere into the veins of my face. Equally loudly, I sang, "Well, obviously I haven't found that out yet!"
"I'm serious!" she replied with big eyes, wagging her finger and shaking her head."He's gonna hurt himself and it's not gonna be pretty."
"Okay, well...THANKS!" and I walked away, my hand on Theo's head, pushing him back down into the cart in one motion.
Instantly I wanted to rewind. I'm like Kathleen Kelly--the perfect mean thing to say never comes until it's too late. Which is probably a good thing. When she had asked me what would happen, I wished I had said:
"It's funny you should ask me that. Last week he fell backwards out of the cart and got a concussion! There was blood everywhere! We had to wake him up every 45 minutes that night to make sure he wasn't unconscious, or dead!"
Or maybe:
"Well, probably I will rush to his aid and feel terrible, and you will stand there congratulating yourself."
I left the store soon afterward, and almost as soon as I got into my car I wanted to turn around and find her again. I wasn't even mad at her, though--she was totally right, even if she had been really awful about it. I was mad at myself for the way I had answered. I mean, if I was going to be rude I could have at least been funny. You know, something really funny like yelling, "What are you, the shopping cart police? HA, HA!" then knocking over her cart and running away really fast.
Really though, I wished I had called attention to her smugness in a polite way so that maybe she would stop terrorizing us idiot mothers. Because I know that my answer just made her feel even more smug. I earnestly wished I had said:
"If you were concerned about my son, couldn't you have called it to my attention without sarcasm and a lecture? You could have said just as easily, 'Hi, I'm concerned that your little boy is going to fall out of the cart,' and I would have said, 'Oh gosh, you're right, thank you.' "
I don't get many rude or smug people approaching me with "advice"--nosy people maybe, or people who genuinely want to be helpful, and usually I thank them or ignore them. I am never sarcastic or rude to strangers. Seriously never. Even to the rare ones that are really rude to me. If I feel a siege coming I will run and hide (and possibly cry). Something came over me, though, when this lady clearly wanted to make her point by embarrassing me. And I did feel very embarrassed. Not chastened, not grateful, just embarrassed.
I mean I'm sure she wanted Theo to sit down and was worried about him, but why did she have to ask me that question, like I was a 7-year-old horsing around, like I didn't know what would happen if he fell out. And why did I have to answer her so loudly and rudely myself? Did I want to prove to her that I was as mature as a second-grader?
I guess I am glad I learned this now, so that when I'm offended like that in the future I will say what I want to say and be an example to my kids. Maybe I will even remember this feeling when Teenage Theo needs chastening. Maybe.
As I drove home I thought that maybe she was kicking herself much the way I was. Maybe she wished she had approached me differently too.
Nah, probably not.
It's hard to know what she felt - I think she felt awkward - that is often when people are rude.
ReplyDeleteBut I do know what you mean about thinking of great things to say afterwards!!
(And once Bonny - at age 9 months - fell out of a grocery cart - and she didn't have a concussion, but we woke her up all night long - on the doctor's orders - to be sure she didn't go unconscious. After the third time waking her up, she just wanted to play the rest of the night. Your dad said, "I think she's fine!")
I have had that same sort of experience. A couple of my kids were escape artists when it came to being strapped into anything, and sometimes well meaning people would make a comment about my child standing up. I would always feel embarassed. (and some times would want to ask them what their solution to the problem would be? Maybe duct tape?)
ReplyDeleteBut I think most people are saying something out of concern for your child.
I will be like my friend Sonia who always tries to give people the benefit of the doubt and say, your lady just may have been kicking herself for sounding too harsh.
I assume that people who say something are concerned about my child. My question is, why approach me that way? She was really in my face about it. It wasn't like I had done anything to her.
ReplyDeleteWhat is it with the DC area? I'm still angry over all of those people who took the time to chastise me about 'dragging' Kathleen and never took the time to ask if I needed help. Obviously none of them have ever had children!
ReplyDeleteAhhh, the ultimate right of passage in Motherhood. The "well-meaning" stranger causing you grief and heartache and a good dose of anxiety.
ReplyDeleteRemind me to tell you about the time a woman a called the police on me. It was awesome. And by awesome I mean terrible.
You really have to wonder why people would say something negative to a stranger. If she had to say something how come she couldn't have just asked you if you needed help.
ReplyDeleteYou know the bottom line is people are just trying to get through their day. Why make something harder for someone else?
My philosophy is if I don't have something nice to say to someone I don't know then I just don't say anything. I think it is important to realize that someone else may be going through something tough and you have no idea so why make their day more difficult. I think it's one thing to say something to a child if they understand you and are in danger but to talk to another adult in a negative tone is just too much.
This is the way I feel about honking also. Unless someone is doing something dangerous and they need to know my car is there I am not going to honk. If they are just making a mistake or being stupid it's not worth it because I figure I am probably going to make a mistake or do something stupid in the next stretch of road. These are somewhat unrelated but in the same vein that people should take a little more consideration for what someone else's day is like and if you are going to get involved in someone else's situation it should at least be in a positive way.
Katie's right.
ReplyDeleteAnd have I heard the story Phoebe? It doesn't come to mind.
I love to read your blog Eliza. You really say things well. It's funny that you say this. People haven't said that to me, but people are always telling me my baby's hungry, my baby's hot, my baby's cold, she's eating too much, she's not eating enough, etc. etc. etc. What's interesting is they tend to do this in an extremely judgmental way and sometimes even if they're not I sort of take offense. It seems like people are more concerned with making you feel guilty/foolish/embarrassed than actually caring about your child. The thing is, I do feel really defensive because it's not like I really know what I'm doing most of the time anyway. I'm just doing my best and any criticism just adds to the insecurities I already feel. I guess this is a little rambly, but I just wanted to let you know I appreciate your experiences. :) Also, it's funny now to call someone else Eliza. I'm so used to my little Liza. :)
ReplyDeleteI really do believe that people (with a few exceptions) really do try to do the best they can. I will never understand why people cannot be helpful instead of judgmental. She must have seen your hands were full with two litle ones and she could have offered to help. If you can't say something nice, just keep on going.
ReplyDeleteI really felt a lot worse about my own reaction to her than about her comments to me. I mean, I was annoyed that she took that approach with me, but who knows what was going on with her. She could have been extremely socially awkward, or maybe her life is cold and friendless or maybe she lives with someone even meaner.
ReplyDeleteI am frustrated with myself that my gut reaction was to be so defensive and rude when I could have just expressed myself honestly. But I am hoping that I learned something from it and that next time my reaction will be sincere.
Anyway, thanks for the thoughts everyone and I think we can all agree that we need to hear about Phoebe's brush with the law.
I think she was so rude and didn't sound that well-intentioned, she was probably just having a horrible day and wanted to take it out on you. And I thought your response was really good, I would have just cried. And my kids do that ALL the time! I went to target yesterday and a worker asked Scott to sit on his bottom, the guy was in his early twenties and I had just set Scott in the cart. That was a nice way of asking, but still I was like, mind your own business. And I'm going to use your newly thought up responses if anyone ever does that to me.
ReplyDeleteOkay, okay...I'll post the story on my blog when I get my act together and actually sit down and write something.
ReplyDeleteWere you at Wal-Mart? That store brings out the worst in everyone. Don't beat yourself up too much about your reaction, what did she expect you to say? Of course I would have reacted in a similar fashion so maybe I'm not a good person to give advice.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, my reaction when I read this was, "Way to go Eliza! Tell her where to stick it!!" But, you are probably more on the right track with feeling bad about it... okay, no, I just lied. I stand by my initial reaction. :)
Alison
ah yes - phoebe's story is a good one.
ReplyDeleteand when i am corrected in public i usually say something like:
" oh my GOODness, you are absolutely right, girls, did you hear the nice man/lady? "
and then i look really serious and concerned and they aren't sure if i am being genuine or not, and most of the time i am serious and it seems to diffuse the situation.
but some days it can be hard to react like that.
I have a really hard time with any kind of confrontation and I always kind of start to cry. I don't know why but it's really embarrassing. Even when they're not being rude at all. I'm just a really uncomfortable person. And especially when we were in France, where I had a hard enough time getting the right words out in French, I'd think of something better to say about 20 minutes later... blah.
ReplyDeleteI had a situation like this once. I brought Will to a Christmas party at Brigham's office. He was about 8 weeks old or so (Oct 29 birthday, so maybe just 6). In any event, I had dressed him up and the whole thing had been a lot of work for me to get the kids there and then handle them all through the party, but Brigham really wanted us all there to meet his colleagues.
ReplyDeleteSo as I am standing in a group of 3male lawyers I have barely been introduced to, a 55 year old woman comes up and asks me how old Will is. I tell her and she responds very loudly and with a sour and disapproving look, "Oh God, he is way too young for you to be taking him around! That baby is way too young and he is going to get sick. Look at all these people here! Just htink of all the germs!"
I was taken totally off-guard, bc It hought she was going to say something nice about my new son, and because it was such a critical thing to say.
I do not think that the woman you met in the store or the woman at Brigham's office were trying to be helpful. I really don't. I think they are older women who are bitter about something that relates to young mothers. But I totally agree with you that the only way to respond to such people is to make them feel bad in turn, and the only way to do that is to sincerely relate how that comment made you feel.
Retaliatory rudeness only makes the Aggressor feel justified in her approach, but briefly explaining your reasoning and your feelings about what they said really shuts people up. And they apologize, or at least they are the ones rewinding all the way home.
Or I liked your second theoretical comeback (about her congratulating herself with Theo fell). Something like that is ok, too, in my opinion.
Sorry this was so long. Dealing gracefully with adversaries is somethng I think about a lot. I have found that I have many! (it saddens me.)